


Goreblood the Terrible

by BloodyMary



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Fictional document, Gen, Jedi folklore, sort of meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-10 06:46:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12293547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyMary/pseuds/BloodyMary
Summary: It has occured to me that so far we lack any sort of folklore/storytelling tradition for the Jedi. So I set out to remedy this. Behold, for Goreblood the Terrible was the result.





	1. Chapter 1

Among the few bits of Jedi lore that did not get lost with their fall, there is the story of Goreblood the Terrible. It was, in fact, the oldest story that younglings would hear in the crèche, predating the actual founding of the Order.

Its origin, lost to time, is fairly banal: a terrified little girl trying to keep an equally terrified little boy from panicking. It’s not a very good story then—it’s packed with unnecessary gore, and full of logical holes, but it serves its purpose.

And so, it lives on. Because the boy lives and grows up, and becomes one of the first Jedi, and years later is sitting in front of a child that has just woken from a nightmare and won’t believe it was just a dream. So, he tells the story of Goreblood, because for him it’s the story of how everyone can conquer their fear.

It loses most of the logical fallacies in that retelling, but not much of the gore. But it’s also when Goreblood takes on one feature that they will not lose—they change their gender and species to match that of the listener.

And so it goes on—because every Jedi needs to learn that they can vanquish their fear, and because children, regardless of species, love bloody tales more than most adults would like to admit.

Eventually, a young art student from Coruscant makes it their art project and gets as many Jedi as they can to retell their version. It ends up a monster of a holo and gets banned several years later with the rise of the Empire.

 

* * *

 

Mace Windu had made a set of hand puppets—Goreblood is a repurposed red sock.

Depa Billaba’s story is a full half an hour long, full of explanations of various details.

Obi-Wan Kenobi adds animal noises and trivia about them.

Quinlan Vos does voices—Goreblood’s is oddly cheerful and his adversary has a very ridiculous rasp.

Anakin Skywalker seems to wander off the subject completely at one point, and the story becomes populated with inexplicable droids battling sentient space ships.

Kit Fisto’s version takes place under water and has a riddle contest.

No one can tell for sure why this is, but Plo Koon’s story is recognized among viewers as the most adorable version. How he achieved that is something of a mystery, given that it’s as bloody as all the previous ones.

Yoda doesn’t just tell the story, he also speaks about how it can have many meanings. It manages to sound profound, despite the fact that the protagonist is named Goreblood.

Shaak Ti’s story is rich in hunting imagery and nearly as cute as Plo Koon’s.

Agen Kolar’s is rather uninspired, save for the lightsaber battles which are lovingly detailed—and on several occasions he even demonstrates the moves, while making lightsaber noises.

Tholme stresses the importance of being able to work on his own, but also adds a return to one’s friends at the end.

Adi Gallia draws onto Corellian folklore a lot (apparently, Corellian stories are her favourite), and has nearly as many explosions as Anakin Skywalker.

Yaddle paints a true masterpiece, a story where the true threat remains hidden until the very end, and only by finding out what it is can Goreblood vanquish it.

Luminara's story is told quietly, with minimal performance, yet this makes it even more compelling.


	2. Qui-Gon's Version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As told to Obi-Wan.

Well, I see I’m not alone in the medbay. Who might you be?

And I’m Qui-Gon. Pleased to meet you, young friend. Why are you here?

I see. I broke a few ribs- No, nothing as exciting, I’m afraid. Just an unlucky fall. In any case, it seems like we’ll be here for a while.

Yes, boring. What do you say to a story?

And which one would you like to hear?

Ah, Goreblood. I happen to know a story about a little boy who met him once. He was a youngling in a Jedi Temple long ago. The temple had been built on a world in the Outer Rim—a barely settled one. It was almost completely overgrown with forests.

The boy was mostly a good student, but there was one thing that troubled his teachers. He would not let go of his fear of the forest. They’d tried to reason with him, and showed him pictures. They took him to a small grove inside the temple, but none of that worked.

In those days, the Jedi did not yet have Ilum, so the younglings would have to look for their kyber crystals in the caves deep in the forest. But the boy was still afraid, and so his teachers kept holding him back. All of the other younglings had returned with a crystal of their own but him, in the end.

So, one night, the boy decided that he would not listen to his teachers and face his fears. He snuck out of the temple and into the forest. It was dark, but far from silent there: the boy heard the forest animals call and hoot, and scream.

Something howled, like this: _Aaaawwooooo!_ Was it a tree wolf?

And then something clacked: _Klack-klack-kla-kla-klack!_

The boy grew more and more terrified, and eventually he decided to turn back and return to the safety of the temple. But when he did, he realized he was completely lost. He couldn’t tell where he’d come from at all. The trees looked all the same to him in the dark.

Eventually, he sat down on the ground and started crying, too terrified to do anything else.

He didn’t know how long he’d been crying when he realized that the forest had fallen silent, and even though this was the first time he’d been there, he knew this was bad news. Slowly, he peered through his hands and realized that while he was crying a pack of tree-wolves had snuck up on him, and encircled him. He had nowhere to run, and since he never found his crystal, he had no lightsaber to fight them off.

The biggest tree wolf tensed to leap, its mane rippling as its muscles moved. Then, it made a surprised yelp, as a large hand emerged from nearby bushes and yanked the tree wolf back by its tail.

A huge human man with a bushy red beard stepped out of the thicket and swung the first tree wolf into the next, so that they went flying into a tree. They went splat, but the other tree wolves jumped at the man.

The boy closed his eyes, but when he heard more yelps, he opened them to see the man had tied one of the tree wolves into a pretzel, and hung one on a branch by its spleen. The third one was running away so fast it forgot its shadow, which was now curled up pathetically on the ground.

“What are you doing here, kid?” the man asked.

“I’m looking for my kyber crystal, sir,” the boy replied with a sniffle.

“I’ve never been a sir—call me Goreblood,” the man said. “And you’re not getting about it right. A kyber crystal won’t come to you lured by crying. You need to find it yourself.”

“But I’m scared,” the boy said.

Goreblood shrugged. “I’ve got nothing better to do, I’ll come with you.”

That made the boy feel a bit better—he wouldn't be alone, and clearly, the predators from the forest weren’t a threat to Goreblood. In fact, they seemed to be avoiding them—now that he was no longer afraid, the boy could reach out into the Force and sense the creatures around them.

By the time they found the cave where the Kyber crystals were in, dawn was breaking. Unfortunately, that was also when the boy’s luck ran out—a rancor was sleeping inside the cave, snoring noisily.

No, it wasn’t snoring like I do. It was much louder.

Yes, that’s very loud.

Anyway, there were animal bones scattered around, and the boy despaired again, since he knew he just couldn’t pass the rancor without waking it.

Goreblood, on the other hand, marched up to the rancor and punched it in the face. It woke up instantly and tried to bite off his hand, but Goreblood caught it by its jaws. They wrestled as the boy watched, too scared to move. Until finally, he realized that the rancor wouldn’t notice if he snuck in. And surely, Goreblood would defeat the beast?

So, he snuck past the rancor and Goreblood, into the cave. It was cold and dark there, and the boy couldn’t tell if what glittered on the walls was water or crystals. He looked and looked for his Kyber crystal, until finally, he was exhausted.

He sat down on the ground, and realized that he could hear the rancor’s snoring again. Had it eaten Goreblood? Would the boy be stuck in the cave forever?

The boy feared dearly this would be his end, but this time he didn’t start crying. He realized that if he did nothing, he’d die alone in the cave. So, he got up and reached out into the Force, hoping it might help him somehow.

And then, all of a sudden he could sense his Kyber crystal. It was right in front of him!

He plucked it out of the rock quickly and dug through his pockets. You see, before he snuck out, he’d taken all the things he’d need to make a lightsaber, and though he had to do it in the dark, he set to work on it. He was getting tired and hungry by the time he finished, and he really didn’t want to fight the rancor, but if he wanted to get out, he’d have to.

So he headed out, lightsaber ignited, only to find Goreblood soundly asleep at the mouth of the cave. The rancor was dead. In fact, before going to sleep, Goreblood had made himself a helmet out of its head, and food out of its meat.  

And then, he’d fallen asleep, secure in the knowledge that what would come, would come.

The boy considered waking him up and asking him to come back to the temple with him, but as he thought about it, he realized, he was no longer afraid to go into the forest. The Force would guide him through the dangers, if he only trusted it.

And so, the boy made his way back to the Jedi temple, but what he got up to once he returned is another story.


End file.
